Sitting here without you...

16 months without you in my arms and it still hurts like it was yesterday... I've just learned to live with the pain... I look at your little brother in his swing beside me sleeping and I wonder if he really looks as much like you as I think or if I just imagine it because I want it to be you...

I know my sweet little Declan probably wouldn't be here if you were but I still long for you... I would take both of you happily and the sweet insanity a 3 year old, a 14 month old and a newborn would bring. I can't turn back the clock and get you out in time to save you... I wish I could... I wish I never had to experience that feeling of dread when you know your baby has stopped moving and something is wrong...

I ache to hold you on nights like this... I ache to see your little first steps that will never be taken and hear your sweet first words that will never be spoken... at least not here on earth...

I keep myself busy to keep myself from being sad... but you're never gone... only hiding where others can't see you... I can though... always... in every single snowflake that falls, in every sparkle of your big sister and little brother's eyes, in every soft wind through the trees, I see you...

I look forward to the day I meet you in heaven, give you a great big hug and kiss and can see if you really do look like your little brother... I miss you so much little man... More than words could ever say... Sending all my love with my hugs and kisses to heaven, little one...

So much love,