Almost 3 weeks...

It's been almost 3 weeks since my gorgeous little man left us. It seems like forever but like it was just yesterday as well. So many things we've done that would have been his firsts... his first outing, his first grey cup party with Nanny, Papa and Auntie, his first dinner out with Grandma and Grandpa, his first trip to West Edmonton Mall, his first trip to buy fish with Daddy and he wasn't there with us to enjoy them. We go on with our lives and my arms feel so empty without him there.

I feel okay until I realize that he's not there and never will be. He'll always be my tiny 7lbs 6oz baby compared to his big sister at 8lbs 7oz. He'll never grow, he'll never age, he'll never crawl or walk or talk. He'll always be that little man in my tummy kicking me and trying to push his way out through my rib cage with his foot.

I hope and pray he remembers all the good times we had - mommy singing to him with his big sister at home and in the car, his big sister giving him kisses and listening to mommy's belly, his daddy laying on mommy's belly listening to him kick, his mommy holding and tickling him from the outside waiting for the day he arrived. I feel so guilty for all the bad times too - when Mommy was frustrated with his big sister and got mad at her, when Daddy and Mommy would fight... i just wish I could take them all back and give him only 9 months of beautiful sounds from outside but I can't and so I live with the guilt.

It's hard to believe that my beautiful little man was never meant for this world. That he never cried or opened his eyes outside of my womb. I thank God that we went and got a 3D ultrasound of him and that we paid extra to get the video. The one and only time I got to see him open and close his eyes is on that video and I will cherish it forever and ever even though it makes me cry. Marrah still asks to watch baby brother on the TV and it hurts but at least we have something to show her when she's old enough to understand.

I hope and pray that God will bless us with another little sister or brother for Marrah and Kaelen. I know that it will be 9 months of terror for me but I can't bear the thought of never having another baby to cuddle and cherish. I will never ever again take for granted this wonderful gift we are given in our children and pray that the next baby I get to deliver will come out wide awake and screaming for mommy.

I love you Kaelen and miss you every moment of every day and so does your sister and your Daddy. Watch over us sweet angel and wait for us. Love, Mommy.