Dealing...

It's been awhile since I posted last... my mind is cluttered right now with anxiety and busyness and all that "good stuff"... My sister-in-law had a miscarriage today and I'm hurting for her... It's different but I'm hurting for her and my brother-in-law all the same... They hadn't told anyone yet (they just got into the 2nd trimester a little bit ago) and were so happy to be expecting and then BOOM! it was stolen away from them... I really will never understand why we have to lose our babies... it just doesn't make sense... you get to a certain point where you think you are safe and someone rips the rug out from underneath you and says "Too bad so sad." I just don't get it... I try to think there's some master plan but really it's hard to believe sometimes. If you have a moment, please say a prayer for them and for their little baby up in Heaven. I know Kaelen and all his great-grandparents welcomed the baby with open arms and is keeping the baby safe for them until they can see them again.

I have slowly been weaning myself off my antidepressants because they have a "chance" of causing breathing problems when the baby is born and I just don't want to take that chance but boy is it hard... I'm also ADHD and not being on them, causes my brain to go all loopy and I totally overextend myself every which way from Sunday because I suddenly think I'm superwoman and can go all day and all night with no rest, even though the exact opposite is true. I do everything and am really busy all day but because of the ADHD I really get nothing done... it's all stops and starts and small fits of inspiration. Even in church today, I couldn't even concentrate on what the pastor was saying and it was soooooo hard knowing that if I was just on my Effexor it would make me "normal" again.

I almost think that now being on it is more about the ADHD than the depression... coming off of it, I've been doing pretty good... when I was down to minimal doses in the first trimester, I was a sobbing mess and spent a lot of everyday feeling sad, despondent and crying whereas now, I still have my moments but every song of Kaelen's on my iPod playlist doesn't always make me cry so that's a start. I just feel so out of sorts not being able to focus... even this post is all over the place... I know it's for the good of the baby but this last month and a bit of waiting and not being "drugged" is going to be torture because I'm waaaaay more irritable and can't seem to get anything done (and that drives me nuts too) even though I've always got more than a normal person can do on my plate. I've noticed I like to overbook myself when I'm not on my medication and it wears me out mentally and physically and that's not a good thing.

I did call my dh's Employee Assistance Program though and have gotten in a booking to see a counsellor so hopefully that will help me deal with all my crazy emotions in the interim. I haven't had too many panicked moments as of yet when the baby has been quiet for too long but they are getting more and more frequent as the days go on and he's still not here yet... Hopefully the lady I will see will be decent and not brush off my fears and worries and all that... I go on Friday for the first time so we will see...

Night night baby boy... I hope you are taking good care of your little cousin up there and helping them to watch over their Mommy and Daddy in their time of sorrow. We still miss you and wish you were here every single day. I can't wait for the day when I see you again, little one... Love you so much and wish you were here to hug and kiss but I'm sending them to you in Heaven instead. Sweet dreams.

Love,