I just don't know what to say anymore... you being gone never changes... it never gets easier... I just learn how to cope better... how to cope with never holding you alive in my arms... how to cope with only the fading memories of carrying you inside of me... how to cope with only the few pictures we have and the fact that there will never be any more... that Mommy will never take a picture of your beautiful little face or your sweet little toes... that your sister will never really remember you besides what we tell her and show her... that she doesn't understand that it's not you still growing in my belly but a new brother or sister for her to love...
She thinks it's you inside still and wants to see you so badly... she asks when you're going to come out so she can see you... I keep telling her it's a new baby but she really doesn't understand... she's just happy that Mommy doesn't cry when she wants to kiss my belly anymore and talk to the baby... She just thinks that I am having an interminably long pregnancy and someday you'll be here, just like all her friend's baby brothers... I know one day, she'll understand... really and truly understand...
The last thing I ever wanted her to grow up knowing all about was death and dying... I've been so scared of dying my entire life and I wanted her to not fear it like I did... I wanted her to never ever think about it really... I wanted her to be naive and stupid and think she was invincible... because I never did and I always knew that my babies could die... that you could be taken from me... I told my doula my two greatest fears: 1. My children dying 2. Me dying... and one of them happened... the last thing anyone would ever expect... but I knew that someday you would be gone... I just wanted it to be after you grew up, got married, had babies, and I had gone already before you... long, long before you... not this way... never this way...
I love you, little man... more than words could ever say... more than all the tears I could ever cry... 7 long months without you is far too much... but I will continue to wait... until that day, when you come to bring me home with you... Good night, sweet angel... Sending you love and kisses on angels wings, baby...
Love,
5 comments:
This is beautiful. Hurts to read, but there's so much love pouring from every word.
"You being gone never changes." AMEN.
Beautiful post! Sending huge hugs your way.
Oh gosh...I know it was hard to write and it's hard to feel but I'm so right there with you--it is the WEIRDEST feeling in the world to know there is a new little life inside of me but it's not the one I am used to or know...it's so hard because it wasn't long ago that it was!
And I hate shorting the new baby, but I still miss Matthew and long for him to be there.
So hard.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
xoxo
I'm so so glad to have seen your blog. I lost my little angel Jacob almost one week ago. He passed after a day and a half in the CICU of CHOP. I also have a 10 year old daughter. I love hearing that you are pregnant again, because as much as I love Jacob with all my heart, I can't help wanting to be pregnant again. I miss it and him so much. I know its a lot to ask, but if you would be willing, please email me. I would love to talk to someone who has been through this. kcline3423@aol.com
Kelly
Beautiful letter to your little man. I still can't believe how strong we are becasue we have survived such tragedy: loosing our babies. Howcome? I still ask to myself, God and life in general.
Best wishes!
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