A couple weeks ago, my friend's little girl had her birthday... her name just happens to be Kaylyn and pronounced the same way as my Kaelen. I met her after we lost Kaelen and haven't had a problem hearing her/his name because she's a girl, not a little boy, and she's 3 years old so the differences are distinct... but we got invited to her birthday party and I totally didn't think about how singing "Happy Birthday dear Kaylyn" would hit me... until I had to sing it and it hit me that I will never get to sing that song to my little boy... I will still sing it probably but it's just not the same to your baby in heaven... I made it through but that evening after the party was hard. I don't know if I'll go to her party next year... we'll see when the time comes but this year was hard... It's funny how his little name can set off a reaction so big...
Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I've had tons of dreams and nightmares... One night in particular, a few days ago, I had 2 very vivid dreams... the first was a dream that we had a little boy and he was a horrible nasty child and seemed almost possessed by the devil or something... it was so disturbing and scary that I finally woke myself up and had to watch TV to get it out of my head so I could go back to sleep. I have no clue where that came from or why it was a part of my dream but it was very disturbing...
When I went back to sleep, I had another dream... this one was scary but in a good way... I dreamt that I had a c-section (both Kaelen and Marrah were natural births so c-sections still scare me) and had a beautiful healthy dark haired little girl... It was a good dream really... until I woke up and realized that I still have another 6 months to wait to get to that point and hold another baby of my own in my arms... needless to say, that good dream kinda put me in a slump all day because I wanted that baby here now... So we'll see if that dream comes true... My dh has dark hair so a dark haired little girl isn't out of the question... I don't really want a c-section either but hey, if it gives me a healthy baby in the end, I really don't care...
On a positive note, I did hear the baby's heartbeat on Tuesday... it took me forever to find it with my doppler but it was a beautiful sound and gave me just a little inkling of hope. We have started telling family members about it before we break the news to the entire community of people we know and have already gotten the typical "I know everything will be all right" and it's annoying the heck out of me. You don't have any way to guarantee my baby will arrive safe and sound in my arms in 6 months - no way at all... it doesn't matter how many times you say that to me - until that baby is in my arms and healthy and crying, I can't believe that everything will be just fine... I just can't.
I love you baby boy... keep taking good care of your little sister or brother for me. I wish you were here to kiss and snuggle and watch my belly grow... I know you're watching from up there but it's just not the same. Lots of kisses and hugs baby... lots and lots.
3 comments:
I have also been MIA for a few weeks - it more or less feels like I show up here every couple of weeks and just disappear again.
Glad you got to hear the heartbeat. It is such a comforting sound, but there is absolutely nothing that is 100% comforting. The 'reassuring' comments from friends and family can become overwhelming. I had someone ask tonight if I was following 'directions and orders'. I am so tired of hearing things of the like - the only thing I could say tonight was 'I did last time - seriously. We didn't do anything wrong. Chromosomal issues and small placentas aren't corrected by bed rest or following directions.'
I hope that, medically speaking, everything continues to go well for you. Wishing you much strength and the power to not kill people in the coming weeks...
I know people mean well...but their words of confirmation that they just "FEEL" this time, we'll bring our child home....doesn't sit well with me.
I felt with every fiber of my being I'd bring Matthew home...and was very wrong. No one knows and I just won't sit still until I do for sure.
Thinking of you...and right there with you in the next 6 months of anxious wait!
Hi Lareina, I just read your blog and I am so happy for you and your family.. Everything you say is exactly how I feel. I have been MIA for awhile, this pregnancy has me very emotional and exhausted and kinda down in the dumps. I've been trying to make support group but summer can be busy. I really hope to see you soon. I would love to have a nice visit.
Thinking of you lots
hugz back to you
PS) your blog is so beautiful and special.
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