You know how one thing can just set you off and you're a mess...

Well, it's been that kind of day. I had this long, long dream all night last night and it went on and on from different scenario to different scenario but then it ended, with me (not me really but me as the character) being pregnant and the father of my child, that I was no longer with, flipping his truck in an earthquake and laying there dying stuck inside of his truck and me holding his hand. It wasn't my husband, it was just some guy and he was never going to meet his baby and I woke up and my whole day was affected. I still can't stop thinking about that dream - you know those dreams when you know it didn't happen, but it still hurts inside like it really did - this was one of them...

I took Marrah to her dayhome and came home to work on her big girl room (which is my office right now) and tried to get out of my funk and then was carrying something out to the living room and on the way back, I tripped on one of her toys and fell. I'm okay physically but I just sat there crying... crying for my messy house and how I can't seem to keep up, crying for what my life is now and crying for my baby that is supposed to be here and isn't and never will be...

I'm supposed to be cleaning her big girl room out so she can move into it and Kaelen can be in the nursery, not just cleaning it out so she can have a bigger room and a big girl bed... This was supposed to happen months ago because Kaelen would have outgrown his bassinet and needed a bigger bed.

I'm just a mess... some days it seems like everything is fine but lurking under the surface is the mess that still is and it only takes one thing to bring it out and let it take hold...

I love you little man... so so much... I wish you were here right now and I was wishing for more sleep and more time and more help because I was so overwhelmed instead of just wishing you were here in my arms... It's just not fair and I hate that I'm going to spend the rest of my life crying for you in sorrow instead of in joy. Sending you all my love and kisses, baby boy... I miss you so...

Love,