If you were here on Earth, you'd probably be crawling all around getting into trouble and grabbing things you shouldn't have and your big sister would be mad because you were always stealing her toys that she was "about to play with". You'd be pulling up on the table and Mommy would be worrying about the day you would take your first steps and that she'd have to put everything up one shelf higher once again. But you're not... Your big sister plays with her toys in peace and quiet. Your sister asks me to play with her and it hurts because she's supposed to be playing with you and I'm supposed to be sitting here watching you both play together and smiling as I did seeing how you love each other so much. I know you still love her to bits and she you but it's just not the way it was supposed to be.
Your little sister or brother sits here and kicks me just like you did 9 months ago. I'm sure it's you sitting there beside them telling them to kick Mommy harder so she doesn't have to be sad. I love them kicking, just like I loved the first time I felt you and all the times I thought you were trying to work your way out through my ribs and would tell you that "wasn't the way out." I love these little kicks but I miss yours too. I always complained about being pregnant and how much I wanted to be done but I would carry you inside of me forever and feel you poking your toes into my ribs all day if it meant you were still alive here on Earth and not in heaven so far away.
I miss you little one... more and more everyday it seems... please watch over your big sister and your little brother or sister inside of me and make sure they stay safe, baby... I've had to bear losing you... I just don't know if I could do it again or how I would ever live again if I lost another sweet baby. Your big sister is my strength and your little sister/brother is my hope... and I need both of them to keep going on. Be a good boy and don't get into too many things you shouldn't up there. I love you lots and lots and miss you. Tons of hugs and kisses on Angel's wings, baby...
Love,
2 comments:
I have just dropped in from Lori's blog... and I after reading your post I had to leave you a comment as your post just tugged on my heart strings. I just hit the 9 month anniversary as well... and also I am carrying a precious rainbow child. My little angel was born asleep on the 7th november last year. Our only son. Sending you lots of hugs and love. Every word you type really really hit home Xxxxxx
I echo Joanne...our dates of loss and new life are so, so close. I am loving these sweet little kicks, but admit that they make my heart miss my Matthew even more.
Thinking of you and your tender, aching heart.
xoxoxo
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