Well, I got a call from my doctor today... they got some more test results back on the placenta and they detected a genetic abnormality of some sort... she didn't have more information for me than that and is going to send my dh and I to see a geneticist... in 2 months or so... since that's how long it takes to get an appointment at one here.
Now my dilemma is, do I wait to find out what the geneticist has to say before we try again or take the chance that whatever it is might happen again and just try to have another baby regardless... I know I want another baby and we already have one perfect little girl so I know we are able to have healthy children... it's just this fear of the unknown that has me thinking... It would be nice to have an answer if the genetic problem was something that would have caused or even influenced Kaelen's death but I don't think it would change my NEED to have another child, to take that chance again.
Even if there wasn't a chance of a genetic abnormality, I would still be afraid for the entire time of losing another baby and I would still be taking my chances... but I just can't live like that... I think even if the doctor told me I had a 99% chance that my next baby would die, I'd still want to try for that 1% chance... I would be scared but I would (and will) cherish the 9 months (if I'm even that lucky) I have with my next child knowing that it doesn't always end up the way we hoped. I'll never sit there taking the baby in my tummy for granted ever again... thinking that he or she will be there no matter what... that all the clothes and toys and shoes and hats I bought for him will get used instead of sitting in his closet staring out at me unused.
I know my next pregnancy will be just as physically painful as my last 2 have been if not more with the emotional pain on top of it but I don't care... I just want that itty bitty baby to hold and cherish in the end... Please pray that we get an answer to why we lost our beautiful little man and pray that there's next to no chance of it ever happening again. I know I am...
Love you baby boy... every moment of every hour of every day. Sweet dreams little one.
Love, Mommy
4 comments:
Lareina...
I am sorry. I wish ttc again could be an easy choice.
Thinking about my own situation yesterday and what risks I would be willing to take with a new pregnancy.
Going through an infant loss for the first time, and knowing I will survive this.
Not that I ever want to do it again it does make it a little easier to make those hard ttc decisions.
It's tough. Wishing you peace in whatever you decide. Hugs
I will pray that you will have peace in whatever decision you make. I, too, have some tough decisions and as I pray for wisdom, I'll pray that for you...
Blessings...
i just found your blog- your pictures of your son are beautiful. she was so perfect!!!
my daughter Aquila died at birth on dec 19th. i want to be pregnant again also. i want that sweet baby too. i understand. we just got our placental atopsy results yesterday. they dont know what caused my abruption, so we don't know if it will happen again..which sucks, but i want another chance..so i understand mama!!!
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