Dear Kaelen,
I met your little friend Davin today... you two were supposed to be buddies and grow up together having lots of fun... but he is here and you are not. He was just the size you would have been right about now and Mommy held him and gave him kisses and cried for you. I had to hold him and get past being scared to see him and crying... I knew I was going to cry because I want it to be you I'm holding and not someone else's baby boy... I keep praying that I could just go back in time and save you... I know I can't but I still wish... I was okay until I came back to our empty house... it was just me and your big sister here and nothing here made me feel less empty inside.
I occupy my time with such mundane things it seems... nothing seems to bring as much joy as it once did... I play with your sister, on the computer, take pictures, read books and it just doesn't help. My thoughts hardly stray from you and your beautiful face and the time you spent in my tummy. I want a little brother or sister for you so badly but I'm so scared that I'll never be fully happy again and that my sadness will rub off on them. I know your big sister feels my pain - she comes up to me and asks if I'm sad all the time and I feel bad that she has to see me cry instead of grinning while we play.
I go shopping and see cute little outfits that I would've bought you and want to pick them up and bring them home but then I realize that you're not there to wear them so there's no point. I spent so much time going to garage sales and stores when I carried you in my tummy and so looked forward to the day you would wear all the special outfits I found for you. I had always complained that the little boy clothes were nowhere near as cute as the little girl clothes you could buy but once I started looking, there were tons of cute things for you too... they're still hanging in Marrah's closet and in her old dresser, waiting for you to come home... I can't bear to put them away... I'm almost afraid that your next sibling will be a girl and I'll be forced to put your clothes in boxes... I don't know how to do that... putting your clothes into a box just makes you never coming home too much of a reality and I don't want to do it... I just want the next baby to be healthy but if you got a little brother, that would make it a little easier for Mommy at least because he could wear all the cute things I got you and ease some of Mommy's pain.
I went to the hospital yesterday and got your blankie and your clothes that you wore. I got to see your beautiful footprints again and how cute your little big feet were. Amazingly, I didn't cry when I got them but I squeezed your memory box and your blankie super tight when we left because my arms didn't want to be empty leaving that hospital again. Your big sister fell asleep in the car on the way home and I just listened to your music and rubbed your blankie all the way home. It was so soft, just like your little face when I met you... I remember stroking your little face and being amazed at how soft it was... my beautiful little man... I know it's just as beautiful and soft still in heaven... I miss you so much little man... so very very very much... I wish I could see you in my dreams... maybe someday I will... Watch over your big sister and keep her safe for Mommy... I love you.
Mommy
2 comments:
I knew you'd blog tonight, I could sense your emptiness when we talked. I am so proud of you for today, you were so strong when you met Davin, and I know how tough that was for you. I can only hope that the time we spend together helps to bring a little light into a life that can feel so dark and empty right now. Know that we love you always, and will never, NEVER stop being right there beside you to comfort you in any way we can.
It is so hard to lose not only your child, but your hopes and dreams for that child as well. Being left with just a memory box and some of the things I bought for my son before he was born has been awful. I can totally relate to wanting to buy things but realizing with that sinking feeling that there is no point. There is nothing saying you have to pack up Kaelen's things and put them away, they can hang in Marrah's closet for as long as you want them to. Maybe you will someday have a son that will wear those cute clothes but it won't erase the pain of losing your son. Wishing you peace in the days ahead.
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