Nightmares...

Last night, I had the first dreams I've had since Kaelen was born... and they kept coming and coming and coming... Every single one of them was a nightmare... until the last... and that was a nightmare all of it's own... as you will soon see. The dreams are weird so just bear with me as I write them down.

It started with a dream about us buying a new house... this new house was old but huge. It had it's own gymnasium (and because of this they ran bingo nights often in it) and was connected to a motel but they were selling off the motel separately so it was only the house that we would be getting... I remember being in the house and being totally creeped out... just that strange feeling you get when something doesn't feel right... I don't know if there were tons of ghosts in the house or what... I don't remember much else about the dream but I remember we moved out of that place and I was so glad to be gone.

Next up was a dream that we were being hunted by a dragon, the dragon couldn't be killed, couldn't be stopped and it went through a million and one attempts to kill it/run from it, etc... I don't remember all the details now but it was scary... I woke from that and then fell off into sleep again just to be tormented by another - no clue what it was but I remember there being a scary being chasing us... I don't remember Marrah being in this one or the dragon one but I'm pretty sure she was with me in the house one...

My daughter decided to sleep in this morning and woke at 10am... I had woken up and told Mike (my dh) about all the nightmares and how tired I was because I hadn't gotten any good sleep all night so he decided to be nice and let me go back to sleep and he took care of Marrah... well the last dream was the kicker... I was pregnant, I was going in to be induced/in labour or something... we were at a house and my doula was there. I was so happy to be bringing another baby into this world and so scared at the same time. I kept thinking what if this baby dies too... what if he's already dead... For some reason, we drove around the block and looked at some other houses and got out and started walking... I could feel a baby on my left shoulder looking back behind me - like he was half inside and half outside of me but I was still afraid I was going to lose him because he was still inside of me (in reflection, I almost think this was symbolic of Kaelen - since he'll always be inside of me but outside at the same time)... I walked up to the house (the baby wasn't on my shoulder anymore) and went inside and remember going into a bathroom and facing towards the toilet and bending over it just like you do to get the epidural in your back... but in my mind, they weren't giving me the epidural, they were inducing me that way... I felt the prick of the needle in my back and woke up...

I don't know what to think of all these nightmares... That last dream just brought me all the way back to the day we lost Kaelen and I had a hard time even getting out of bed. I came out and snuggled Marrah on the couch and cried... I got in the shower and sat under the flowing water and bawled... Mike came in to check on me and I was bawling and told him I wished I could just erase 9 months of my memory and go back to being normal again... being who I was before I lost Kaelen...

I don't want to be afraid that I'm going to lose another baby... I don't want to be afraid that my daughter Marrah will be taken from me... but I am... I'm so afraid... I've had so much anxiety my entire life that I was going to die or that something would happen to someone I love... Marrah came along and I constantly had intrusive thoughts about someone hitting my car while we were driving and me not being able to save her, about someone taking her, about a million different horrible things... and losing Kaelen has just made that anxiety a million times worse... I worry about people breaking into our house and me not being able to get to Marrah in her room (next door to ours) fast enough or of there being a fire and me not being able to get to her... I know that there's not much likelihood of these things happening but I still fear them...

I've had so many bad things happen to me in my life... and it doesn't make me immune to having more... I wish it did but it doesn't... I had such a good happy cycle for a long time where I didn't have horrible things happening to me and then Kaelen died and the day after, our pipe in the basement was backing up and then a week after that, they had to dig up our sewer line because it was totally plugged and they couldn't fix it (and we are still waiting for the insane bill for anywhere from $2000-$8000 for that one). I just sitting here and wonder what shitty thing is coming down the pipeline next... Am I going to miscarry if I do get pregnant? Am I going to go through unexplained infertility for years again? Am I going to lose another baby? Am I going to lose Marrah or Mike?

My friend Kathy told me one day that she thinks the reason I am able to deal with Kaelen's death so well is because I've dealt with lots of terrible things happening to me in my life... I haven't had it easy peasy forever and ever... I take it as a complement but sometimes I just wish I could have that perfect wonderful life where nothing ever goes wrong... I want to be that naive person who never worries and never has to... but I don't have a time machine and I'm not smart enough to build one so I just have to deal... Life sucks right now... it just sucks...

I'm on birth control right now trying to get my first PPAF - since Marrah is still nursing (yes, she's 2 and maybe to some people it's weird but I thanked God for her still nursing after Kaelen passed away - if I had to be engorged and deal with that pain and not have her there to ease it for me, I would have been so much more of a mess than I was) and we've been trying to wean her back to mornings and evenings (since I let her nurse as much as she wanted at first) but it's hard - with a toddler who wants everything her way...

I think the birth control is not helping at all in my mood... I know that it can cause depression and even with my anti-depressants I'm on, I think it's affected me... I have 2 more weeks to take it and then hopefully AF will be back and we can try again for a baby... BUT the hard part there is if I do get AF and we do by some miracle conceive on that cycle, the due dates for Kaelen and our new little one will probably be almost exactly the same... the OTHER hard part is if we don't conceive but I do get pregnant sometime after that, I might be pregnant on Kaelen's birthday and that in and of itself will be hard...

I don't know what to do with another pregnancy... I don't know if I would feel more comfortable going to another doctor or staying with the one I had for Kaelen's birth... I wanted an all natural birth for Marrah (but had no doula) so ended up with an epidural... I wanted to try again with Kaelen and went to a doctor that specialized in natural childbirth, had a doula, practiced hypnobabies and all that but in the end, once I found out Kaelen had died, I just got the epidural because I didn't want to deal with the physical pain when I was in so much emotional pain...

I know for my next baby I'll probably want to be monitored 24/7 when I'm in labour... I will want them to watch and make sure that everything is fine and that is soooo not conducive to a natural birth... I want more ultrasounds at the end of my pregnancy so they can keep an eye on my baby and make sure everything is fine still... and I'm not sure if to get that, I have to go to a high risk OB... so many questions... and no answers...

I'm such a jumble of emotions today... If you got this far, thanks for reading and supporting me... Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Kaelen, I love you so much and think of you every day... I have your pictures up all around the house and wish there could be more of you here than that... Sending lots of hugs and kisses to heaven for you on Angels wings.

Love, Mommy