You know what? I wish someone could just take all the jealousy inside of me away... I hate it! I don't want to be jealous of everyone with their beautiful babies... I want to just be happy that they arrived safe and sound and didn't have to go through what I and so many others did. I want to not hurt inside every time I tell someone how cute their baby is or congratulate them. I went through so many years of unexplained infertility and jealousy because people were able to have babies and I couldn't explain why I didn't... and then I had Marrah and it took away all the jealousy that I had felt for 5 years... and now it's back and I HATE IT!
I don't want to be jealous but I am. I am and it kills me to feel that way and to have to feel that way because my little man is gone... I knew this "baby season" would be hard and it's only going to get harder as more and more people I know have babies... I just want to hide away from the world and never talk to or see anyone else ever sometimes... If I could just cut myself off from everyone and everything, maybe I wouldn't feel like this... but I know that wouldn't help... it might delay it but it would be back eventually...
My sister thinks I'm crazy for wanting another baby so soon. She thinks I should wait and let myself "heal" but I NEED something to look forward to, even if I'll be scared shitless the entire time. I need something to buoy me up whenever I hear of another mother with her healthy baby alive in her arms and think of my Kaelen who I never got to see take a breath. I know a new baby won't fix me but I need to know that I too can have another living breathing baby and not just a baby I get to love for 9 months and then give up.
Some people need time... I don't... I love babies and have my entire life... I earned my babysitting badge in brownies at age 7. I took my babysitting course at 11 so I would be all set and ready to babysit real babies when I was 12. The first child I got to babysit was a 1 month old preemie (and I was only 12) and his mom went out all night and I was left with a tiny crying baby from 6pm to 10am the next morning and I loved every minute of it. Before I had my daughter, I ALWAYS stole everyone else's babies at parties and get-togethers. I would happily change their bums and carry them everywhere for hours. I bought carriers so my daughter could be with me everywhere I went and I bought a ton more when I found out my little man was on his way. My mom always said I was made to be a mom because I love kids so much... so why was I the one who had to lose her baby?? Why do I have to live through the fear and pain of being pregnant again when I thought my family was complete? It's just not fair...
Please don't judge me for being jealous... I really am happy that you don't have to go through what I did... but it's just not fair... not fair that anyone ever has to go through such pain... I wish I was smart enough (or rich enough to pay) to research a cure for all the stillbirths in the world... no one deserves this...
I love you, baby Kaelen. Mommy, Marrah and Daddy miss you terribly. Sending hugs and kisses to heaven on angels wings.
Love, Mommy
7 comments:
It's NOT fair that your Kaelen isn't with you and your jealousy is NORMAL. It's hard to deal with other people's oblivion and happiness when you know you've lost so much. Take time to grieve, to honour Kaelen, to accept what has happened to your handsome boy. You'll conceive again, I just know it. Sending you hugs
I get this 100%. I feel the same way most of the time, and I just hate it. A fellow baby loss mama told me early on that we would 'know when the time was right. It's different for everyone.' If you are ready, then you are ready. No one can tell you otherwise. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hugs!
I agree with every word and really wish I didn't. Just last night I had nightmares about other people having happy and healthy little babies. Nightmares. Life is so unfair.
Me too. I am also guilty of having this terrible jealously and envy and longing, too. It is hard to live with and I pray it would just leave. And you know when the time is right for you as well. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xx Katy
lareina,
I remember feelign the exact same a few months after Chase died. My arms physically ached for what was not in them. I missed him so bad, my mother instincts needed to respond but they were just left there to dangle, I could smell the baby feet, lotion, everything...but it was in my head.
I just read your comment on Carol's post that you need 2 babies to complete your family and I found that so interesting because I feel the same exact way. I don't know why because Chase was going to be #4 and he was going to be the last one for us. Now instead of trying one more time, I want 2 more....
Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone....and your jealousy is so normal...(for me anywa)
xo
Christy
Jealousy is an emotion I most surely struggle with. Losing Gavin in combination with IF is a real double whammy.
I don't know at what point if ever I can look at a pregnant woman or newborn baby an not feel bitter and jealous.
I revamped my blog and made some entries....
im sorry about your gorgeous little guy.. our stories are so similar because i feel jealousy too, feels like everyone gets to bring their babies home except me. we also have no answers why our daughter died inside me at full term. and i'd also like to have a baby right away, and i also want the same gender so i can use all of her clothing. i know putting her clothes away and her curtains and bedding in a box will be very, very hard. but, i just want another healthy baby, gender is totally not important in the bigger picture.
again, im so sorry. let yourself feel all the anger, bitterness, jealousy, sadness, all of it. the only way to get through it, is to just get through it.
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