I've been pretending that I'm doing better... that everything is going okay... Some days it feels like it might be and others, it all falls apart... Anyone who doesn't know me would probably never realize I just lost my baby 3 months ago... I try to be happy for Marrah and play with her and I've always been good at just "ignoring" things that troubled me but Kaelen never leaves... I can try to "forget" for a minute but eventually he comes back and pokes me and says "Mommy, don't forget me..." I don't want to forget but it hurts so much to remember...
I'm still so mad at myself, at everything, for taking him from me... I constantly think what if I had just let my doctor strip my membranes at 37, 38 and 39 weeks like she had offered... what if I hadn't done the Hypnobabies that told me my baby would come when he was ready and believed it... I was totally relaxed and confident that Kaelen would come when he was ready... my daughter was 6 days late and I was soooo anxious and I didn't want to be that way with Kaelen because it didn't do any good...
I would love to have a natural birth if we are blessed with another baby and I totally believed that Hypnobabies would do it for me but how can I even attempt it again with what happened to my little man... I know it's not because of Hypnobabies at all but the association of it makes me shy away from even trying it again...
I had a dream on Saturday night that I was pregnant again and laying in a dark dank tiled room, maybe 20 feet x 20 feet in size, that had a sloped pool on one side like you'd find in a wave pool and I was just sitting there in labour in pain in the water as the waves lapped around me... it kept popping out to different scenes and I'd always come back to that dark dank place sitting in the water and the nurses would be there asking me where I had gone since they were worried about me... I don't know what to make of it... is it a memory of Kaelen's birth or is it a foreshadowing of my worries about the next baby?? I really don't know...
It probably doesn't help that I finally had my first post-partum cycle and we're in the two week wait now... 7 days today... I want to know now... because I want so badly to have another baby to hold and to have some hope to hang onto... but I don't want to know at all either... because that would be the start of my 9 months of being scared to death that I will have another baby taken from me...
I know that my doctor said she would induce me at 38 weeks but there is so much that can happen up to that point... way too much and I'm anxiety ridden to begin with... I picked up a book called "The Pregnancy & Postpartum Anxiety Workbook" that I found at Costco but I haven't even cracked it yet... I keep expecting it to have crappy words of wisdom like "Your baby will be just fine" and "Don't worry because it won't happen to you"... I know it won't say that exactly but in my mind, that's what it will say...
I guess I just don't know what I want anymmore... I'm torn... I want another baby but I sooooo don't want to be pregnant again... I love the kicking and hiccuping but that's about it... the pain and discomfort I get each time just sucks... I thought with Kaelen, we were done, our family was complete and instead it's very incomplete and always will be...
I love you baby boy... Mommy and Marrah and Daddy send you lots of love and hugs and kisses everyday...
Love, Mommy
5 comments:
((hugs))
I imagine that since the process of ttc has now started a lot of feelings and emotions are resurfacing. Ones that maybe you've managed to push away for a while.
I am sorry that the innocence of pregnancy and birth are lost to you.
I wish it could be an easy and happy time for you...as it should be.
I'm so sorry that what should have been a joyous time for you has left you with so much pain and anxiety. I can't imagine it will be easy emotionally getting pregnant again and I wish I had some words of wisdom that could soothe your worries. Be gentle with yourself, this is still so early in your journey and no matter what, you will never forget Kaelen, I promise. Sending you hugs
Torn is a good way to describe how you're feeling. I feel the same way. I want a baby, but I hate the thought of going through everything again...and I am terrified of another loss. Sending lots of hugs. You are not alone. :)
I wish so much that I could be a better support to you, but having had 3 healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies, I can't even fathom what it feels like. I'm sure that that's probably the worst kind of best friend I can be for you right now. Know that whatever happens, however scared or upset or anything you are when you become pregnant again, that I will always be here to listen to every concern, complaint, and fear, and that I will never, ever judge you for that. You've set footprints in the sand that few have had to walk, and have a long journey ahead of you, but just know that as hard as it may be, you NEVER haver to walk that journey completely alone.
I don't think it's pretending Sweetie, I think it's surviving. You do what you need to do for Marrah and Mike and try to move forward. Kaelen is moving forward with you too. He's watching and seeing you struggle. He wants you happy too and knows that a new pregnancy doesn't mean you are forgetting him...but living for him.
Don't be hard on yourself, you are dealing with these feeling like a true Mama soldier. I'm so proud of you.
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