When I was first pregnant with Kaelen, I always put my daughter to bed by myself and we snuggled and read books. With Kaelen on the way, I decided that bedtime needed to be a family event since once Kaelen was here, it would be much harder for it to be a mommy only show for 2 kids and my husband needed to partake. We've been doing it ever since... we get her ready for bed together and read her stories together and give her good night kisses together... and I realized tonight it's when I miss Kaelen the most.
Mike or I usually sit in the rocking chair in her room and read her a story and tonight it was my turn. Mike was laying on the floor and after her story, Marrah decided it was what she wanted to do too. She got her blanket and her pillow and her teddies out of her crib and laid on the floor and covered up. She made funny faces at us and giggled when Mommy pretended to be asleep and would peek out at her - she would tell me "Mommy, go to sleep" and I would close my eyes again and she would wait for me to "peek" at her again and giggle and tell me to go to sleep again.
What Marrah and Mike don't know is that when I'm closing my eyes and rocking in her chair (and I usually do when we're putting her to bed), that is when I'm thinking of my little boy and where he should be in my arms... that is when I feel his loss the most... when we are being a family and just "hanging out" together before bed... he should be here... he should be watching his big sister being silly and smiling away at her... he should be snuggling in Mommy's or Daddy's arms and hearing the story she picked for him... he should be listening to Mommy and Marrah sing him a song before bed...
I started singing to Marrah before bed when she was just a tiny baby and he heard us almost every night in my tummy and his big sister even joined in sometimes. It was the most beautiful part of my day and still is... it's just a lot lonelier now... when he should be here. That family time reminds me so blatantly that something is missing... that my little man is missing and always will be... it's still a beautiful time but there will always be that ache in my heart when I kiss her good night and he's not there to kiss too...
I love you little man... sending you kisses in heaven baby.
Love, Mommy
4 comments:
Bedtime is always when I miss my son the most, too. I always wonder what it would be like and how we would do it with two babies. I always seem to tear up during bedtime. ((HUGS)) Thinking of you!
It's amazing how those little life moments just sneak up and throw you headlong into your loss. I too miss my son at bedtimes which is my favorite time of day with my children. As I snuggle in with my son's twin sister for her bedtime bottle and nuzzle her hair I imagine what my life would be like with two babies to snuggle and tuck in. It's not fair to feel this hurt and emptiness and it sucks. Sending you hugs
Bedtime is always a hard time for me too. Thinking of you.
Hey,
My baby Ines was born and died on January 2nd, 2010. I ve been reading your blog and many times I feel like you. I also have a daughter, she is 4. I am so sad that she lost her little sister that she was so eager to meet. I have a broken heart too and I miss my baby too. I live in Mexico but all moms around the world feel the same when they exit the hospital with empty arms. Thinking of you, you hubby and Marrah, another familiy of three grieving.
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