So when Kaelen was conceived, the same fears grew... Up until that looming 12 week mark, I was waiting to miscarry and every time it seemed that he wasn't moving as much as he should, I got scared and ran for my doppler to make sure he was still okay... I had an anterior placenta so I definitely didn't feel him move as much as I did with his big sister... I just chalked those last few weeks of less movement up to that, his placenta being in the way... I feel like such an idiot... Looking back, I feel like I almost knew all along that we would lose him, that it was just a matter of time. When I couldn't get him to move at 4am of the day he was born, I knew... before they even put the doppler on my belly at the hospital, I knew... I never had that blissful ignorance that said there was no way my baby could be taken from me...
I was never one of those super confident women who knew nothing would happen to them... I always knew something terrible was coming... I just didn't know what... When I was unable to conceive for 5 years, I thought that was my terrible thing but no, that was just one bump in the journey... Even with the most terrible horrible thing ever happening to me when I lost my sweet Kaelen, I still fear that something more is going to happen. I know that losing one child doesn't make me immune from losing another but I sooooo wish that it did... Marrah has had a fever and a cold for the past few days after just getting over an ear infection last week and I am afraid every single minute that she's going to stop breathing and that my fears will be realized...
I try to walk the tightrope between obsessively worried mama and normalcy and I don't know which way to fall... I don't think I will ever be able to allay the fears in my brain no matter how many antidepressants I take... I will still be afraid of losing my little girl every single day of my life... It was bad before I lost Kaelen and now it's even worse...
For all those mamas out there reading my blog that have dealt with their own losses, how do you allay those fears? How do you not smother your living children with your fears? I just don't know how to stop worrying... I don't know how I would continue living without my little girl... I know I wouldn't have made it through losing Kaelen without her to hold onto... Thank God he sent me her first and knew I needed her to get through losing my little boy...
I love you baby boy... I dream of holding you in my arms everyday and can't wait for the day when we will be together again and I can really hold you in my arms and give you all the snuggles that should have been yours. I love you so much. Kisses and Hugs to heaven, baby... lots of kisses and hugs.
Love,
5 comments:
Oh, Lareina, I wish I had some magic words, but I live with this fear too. A constant knowledge that we are not immune from suffering. I see disaster, death and apocalypse at every turn now. I guess the only thing I do is try to be really analytical about any illness, because if she coughs, I don't think mild virus, I think ebola. So I try to remind myself that imagining her dead at every turn is not going to prevent her from dying, except that I have worked myself into a crazy frenzy. Also, I err often on the side of looking like a crazy overprotective nutcase. xo
It's hard, so hard to worry about every little thing out there that could happen to our surviving children. I just think that somehow, someway, I must give my living son the best childhood and the best life that I can. And I must push away my fears and my tears for night time, when he is safe in his crib and I then that is when I can cry and scream and be scared for the future. Somehow, someway I am living because of my surviving son.
Thinking of you!!!
Your post hits home. I kept waiting for something bad to happen. I acted like I had lost a baby before even having my first. And I'm terrified of going through another pregnancy and if that one brings a healthy child, will I turn into some overprotective psycho mom? I wish I had comforting words to say, but all I can say is I'm thinking of you and you aren't alone in this. Hugs!!
I also just knew something was going to happen. i didn't know that she would die exactly, but i thought lot about it when pregnant. i mostly thought she would be born with special needs or something. i knew she was going to stretch me, that is for sure.
as far the fears since then. i just give them over to God whenever they crop up- because i know that no matter what happens , he is faithful to carry me through. and worry about them just makes me sick. it is certainly a daily prayer !
I have the same fears, I pray that one day they will subside. I am so scared of life now.... I don't want to leave my daughter's side. She sleeps with us every night but I love hearing her snore. Everything you say Lareina is so similar to my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Hugs
Post a Comment