I was having a good time at the game with Mike and Marrah and his whole family and then "she" had to show up and ruin my night... I dealt with infertility for 5 years and then lost my son at full term for no good reason as far as I'm concerned and now this... I can't even have a luteal phase long enough to start a pregnancy if I wanted to... Why the heck did I get chosen to deal with all this?? My whole family always told me I would be the best mom and that out of all of us, I was the one that was going to have tons of kids and I have to deal with all of this... My sister and brother both have 2 healthy living children apiece, my 3 stepsisters all have 2 healthy living children each, my 4 stepbrothers have 7 kids between them... why me???? Why do I have to deal with all this???
Why do I have to sit here and cry looking at pictures of my son that I never got to hear cry or see look at me even once? Why do I have to sing my daughter to sleep every night and hope and wonder if my son is listening to us from heaven? Why do I have to wait so long to see him again???
I'm just so worn down from all this pain... I've wanted babies now for 8 years... and yes, I have my beautiful little girl and it makes it a little more bearable but it still really sucks... I feel like an idiot for even contemplating my symptoms for the last week... I feel stupid for even hoping that I might be pregnant and that I might hold a living baby in my arms again... I feel stupid for even trying... After 8 years, it just seems like someone is trying to give me a message... and I'm just not getting it...
So yah, today life sucks... I went out and played with Marrah but the minute I came home, she went for a nap and I laid down on the couch and vegged out... I don't even feel like sitting up and fiddling on the computer like I usually do... I just feel like going to sleep and just sleeping away life... I know that's probably depression talking but right now, it just seems fitting... I get up because my daughter is there but I'm not me... I want to be me again and be hopeful again... but it ain't happening anytime soon... here goes the next 28 days (if I'm lucky)...
I love you baby boy... so much... Every time I see someone else's baby I want to cry out your name and beg to have you back in my arms... but that is not to be... please watch over us little one and be with us when we are missing you so much. I love you.
Love,
4 comments:
I did the same thing this week except I have LOOOONG cycles. I mean I knew better that it wasn't true but the symptoms mess with you head.
Lareina, I SOO know how you're feeling right now! I had my son, Andrew, 6 years ago - no problem. Then infertility...for years. Then I got pregnant with Leila, only to lose her at 19w5d. 10 months later, infertility. The only thing that keeps me going is just giving it to God. Yes, those first few AF's after Leila died were tragic - I felt like God OWED me a pregnancy after taking my little girl! But I know He has my best interests at heart, and if/when it happens again, it will be in His timing, not mine. That's taken me a long time to relinquish that "control". I'll be praying for you as you go through this, that either He gives you your rainbow, or He give you the grace of acceptance of His Will and timing without too much crushing of your spirit. ((hugs))
((hugs))
She is definitely not my "friend" either, always showing up unexpected or at a bad time. She's just rude. I'm thinking of you. I wish you could get back to feeling "you" and I wish you could be hopeful again. I wish things were different.(((HUGS)))
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