Your big sister talked about you today... she was playing with her ball and she stuck it under her shirt and pretended it was you. "Baby brother's in da tummy" she would say and I would smile and give her a snuggle. She would push the ball out of her shirt and say that you fell down and then put it back in and it all started again. Even though it hurt to know you weren't here anymore, it made me happy to see that she still remembers oh so special little you.
I try to mention you to her when I can... I want her to know that you were here and that you loved her as much as she loves you even if you never got to hold each other's hands or kiss each other good night. I look at all the pictures of other kids I know holding their new little sisters and brothers and it hurts that Marrah never got to hold you like they did with that big grin on their face. It hurts that she probably won't remember meeting you in the hospital for the first and last time that sad night except for what we tell her and the pictures we show her.
I wanted you to be here so badly so that she would have someone to lean on in years to come. Someone to confide in and give kisses to... to get annoyed with when you poked her one too many times in the backseat... someone to play dress-up and tea party with.... her forever friend... I don't want her to grow up alone... I want her to have someone there to be with when Mommy and Daddy are gone and she is missing us so much... someone who is missing us too.
But you're gone... and we are waiting... waiting for the day we get to hold you in our arms... I just want you to come back... I want to erase the last 4.5 months of our lives and just have you back in my tummy waiting to arrive. I want to pinch myself and wake up from this horrible nightmare and have you in my arms but it's not to be...
And so I cry... cry for all the things we are missing with you... cry for the brother that Marrah will never know... cry for never getting to see you play ball with your Dad or scare your mom by climbing to the top of the tallest tree... cry for never getting to sing you a lullaby and rock you to sleep... cry for never hearing your voice or seeing your beautiful baby blue eyes... I think I will cry forever knowing that you aren't here...
Life seems far too long knowing you are never coming back to us until we are gone from this world too... I struggle each day knowing that to see you again, I will have to leave my baby girl here without me... I pray that I can be here for a long time to come and see my little girl grow up and have babies of her own but it's hard knowing that means I can't have you... I hope that our Grandma's and Grandpa's are all up there taking good care of you until we can see you again. I'll be missing you everyday until then.
I love you more than words could ever say, baby boy... please watch over us here on Earth and catch all the love we send you everyday. Night night, little one.
Love,
5 comments:
All those things we expected to do with our little ones...that sometimes the hardest thing for me to work through in a day. So sorry Kaelen isn't in your arms.
(((HUGS))) Thinking of you.
I don't want Isabel to grow alone too. I understand that feeling. I really wnt her to have a sibling. I still can't accept Ines is missing here on earth. I understand you so well. I am thinking of you and beautiful baby Kaelen. Hugs and Kisses.
With the arrival of spring and the warmer weather, I have also been struggling a bit with the things that I am not doing with Gracie - things that I should definitely be doing. It's so frustrating. Thinking of you...
This is so hard. We're in the same boat, thinking of all the things we would have been doing now, had she lived, knowing how much her big sisters would have loved playing with her. Sending lots of love your way. xxxh
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