My first cycle since we lost Kaelen has come and gone... the one cycle that a BFP would have given us a baby in our arms (as long as all went well of course, I'll never assume anything anymore) before Kaelen's first birthday... I wanted to be pregnant so badly so I wouldn't have empty arms when his first birthday comes along... but it wasn't meant to be... for some reason, my body decided to torture me with a very early AF at 9 dpo instead of my traditional 13 or 14...
I don't know what the heck my body was thinking but "the witch" arrived on Friday when I was horribly sick with a cold and feeling like garbage already. Marrah was sick too and had been up all night screaming and Mommy had gotten no sleep and then I wake up to find that she had arrived and I was devastated. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just fade away... the one hope I had just disappeared...
So onto the next cycle we go... this cycle, if I ovulate on day 14 like I usually do, means that the baby would be due on the 26th of November... and guess what? If they induce me at 38 weeks like my doctor said they would, I'll be induced on November 12th... the day after Kaelen's birthday... I don't know if that would be good or bad... I don't even know what to think... I know I'm overanalyzing it all but I just have to concentrate on that so I don't concentrate on being sad and depressed instead...
I'm into the shedding phase of being post-partum... my hair is everywhere and on everything... I touch my head and my hand is covered in hair... and every hair that I see fall, reminds me that Kaelen isn't here, where he should be... it's torture... why can't all these things that happen post-partum just not happen for mom's who've lost their babies... it's annoying enough when you have a baby to hold... when you don't, it's just mean...
All my friends who were pregnant when I was are now into the "giving birth" phase too so that doesn't help... 5 of my friends have had their happy and healthy babies since Kaelen left us and there is 3 more to go... I worry for the ones left to have their babies and scream at the heavens at the injustice for my little boy... I was so excited to be one of the first of my friends to have her second baby, to help them with advice when times were rough and tell them that it does get better as they get older and now I'm here without my little boy and it just kills me to see and hear what I'm missing.
I know they don't mean to hurt me and I don't want them to stop talking about their babies but god, I wish that was me complaining how tired I was and how hard it was with 2 babies to take care of. I want to hold their little babies and I don't want to go anywhere near them all at the same time... it's so hard to give them back... it's so hard to see them grow and smile and coo and everything and know I'll never see Kaelen do those things... know that all I'll ever have is the pictures Hope took for us when he was born... know that when I'm celebrating my next birthday, my 60th birthday, or my 80th birthday, that he won't be there celebrating with us... I want to believe that he's here with us watching over us but it's so hard... when you weren't sure who God was in the first place and now your baby was taken from you... it's just hard to believe in anything...
I keep thinking "What did I do to deserve this? Was I a horrible person in a past life and this is my retribution?" Why do I deserve this over some lady that was given 2 sweet little boys and then kills them over a frickin' custody dispute? Why do I deserve this over some crack-head mom who slept with 10 guys and has no clue who the father is? Why do I deserve this over some kid who hides her pregnancy and then kills her beautiful baby minutes after he's born? Why me? Why any of us??? It just makes no sense and it'll never make sense... No matter what reason anyone comes up with, it's just bullshit... no one deserves this... no one...
I miss you baby boy... I miss you every minute of every hour of every day... If you are there baby boy, please watch over us... Keep your big sister safe - your mommy really needs her... I love you, Kaelen... so much. Sweet dreams little one.
Love, Mommy
3 comments:
oh mama... many prayers for you. i really get the everyone is having babies, and the figuring out exactly when you could have another baby in relation to the death of your son.
As far as God goes...well this world is very wrong, very broken. our heart long for and cry out for justice! it is NOT fair that someone who would kill their child gets one, while yours dies. why then do our heart cry out for justice , if there is none? i belive it is because there IS justice..just not here, not now. our hearts are made for eternity, not for this broken world.
If there is no God, what hope is there? all we have is everything here, which we are bound to lose one day... With Jesus you can have a hope in HEAVEN, where your little baby boy is waiting for you.
i am sorry if i offend, but i just wanted to offer you the hope i have...like a mom offers another mom tips on getting your little one to sleep ect. i only mean it to help!
You didn't offend me at all, Liz. I hold onto that hope of getting to see my baby boy in heaven everyday... some days it's all that keeps me going... and some days it's just hard not to question everything... Thank you for your comments.
You are so right. It's bullshit...it's not fair. We should not have to even deal with any of this. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm in the shedding phase too and I hate it. It's annoying and just another evil reminder. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way.
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