Alone... but at the same time not...

This past month has been so strange... My sister moved away, one of the two closest local BLM friends I have gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy, my other closest local BLM friend is still trying, and my dh and I have not been getting along well at all... All my other friends have their 2 beautiful healthy kids and even though I'm sure they'd listen to me blather on and on, they just don't get it.

My sister moving has really not been great... we've talked less than normal and when my dh and I had a fight and I needed somewhere to go, she wasn't there... I sat at McDonald's letting Marrah play for hours and then went shopping at Wal-Mart because I didn't want to go home but had nowhere to go. I have lots of friends but I don't really want to burden them with our fights either so I just sat there wishing I had my big sister here and trying not to cry in the playland at McD's.

My one friend had her baby at the end of August and I haven't heard hide nor hair from her since. This makes me sad and worries me all at the same time. Is she just moving on with her life? I feel so left behind. I know my baby is on it's way in 3 months or so but it seems so far away and so lonely being the only preggo BLM I know. I have no one to discuss my fears and worries with, no one to talk to about my doctor and my concerns that he won't be there when I deliver (or that they will wait to induce me until I'm almost full term and I'll lose my mind).

I've even been thinking about going back to the GP that delivered Kaelen just because I know she'd be there. She's not a high-risk OB (and that's where my worried mind gets me) but I loved her throughout my pregnancy and my birth with Kaelen. I tell people all the time that it was the most wonderful horrible experience I could have ever had. Even though I knew my son was dead, it was beautiful because of the experience with my doctor and the hospital staff.

My other close BLM friend is not as far in her journey as I am since our losses are six months apart and they are still TTC. I pray everyday that she gets her rainbow baby. I hate seeing her hurt and always seem to have the wrong things to say at the wrong time (I feel like such an idiot at times). I'm pregnant with another little boy and I know that hurts her because of the son she lost and I so wish I could just take away that pain... but I can't... so we don't get together anymore and we don't talk and I miss her.

My other friends are all great and supportive... they all ooh and aah appropriately over my growing belly and offer me their boy hand-me-downs and I love them for trying but really, it still hurts. I don't get to talk about Kaelen anymore. I get to talk about this baby and everyone tells me to take it easy while I still can... blah blah blah... because it's so much harder with 2... like yah, thanks... I already spent 9 months "taking it easy" and preparing for that day... I'm done with the waiting and taking it easy phase, I just want to be done and have him here in my arms and be tired and cranky and BLESSED.

I was supposed to be the one handing them down things. I was supposed to be the one giving them advice on how to handle 2 at once. I was supposed to be the one with the oldest baby boy in the group that had been through it all before and could fill them in on what was coming... but instead I'm the last...

It just sucks being all alone on this preggo BLM road. I went to the pregnancy after loss meeting and it was just me and the 2 coordinators... so I just got to tell them all my crazy thoughts and sit there... Even though they had both been through it before, I needed someone there in the throes of the fear to listen to and know that my thoughts and fears were normal... I know I've got all you wonderful mamas out there but some days you just need physical conversation, ya know?

Little man, you were supposed to be here in my arms and almost a year old right now... supposed to be getting into a million and one things you shouldn't... supposed to be playing with your big sister and being loved on all day... I know you feel my love flowing to you all day but it's just not the way it was supposed to be... I miss you baby boy and love you so much... XOXO

Love,