We found out on Monday that I'm pregnant and due on January 19, 2011... I was so happy when I found out. I took a picture of the test and texted it to my dh. But now, the reality of it all has set in and I'm nervous... I don't know which OB I'm going to see - the one I want won't take me because I was a patient of another doctor in his office - and I'm not allowed to transfer or something (ARRRGGHHHH!!) so now I'm left with going to a different doctor that I don't know and delivering at a hospital that I don't really love or going back to my doctor I had with Kaelen and worrying the whole 9 months because I'm not at a "high risk" doctor. I guess I have to decide if the hospital is worth it...
My experience with Kaelen's birth was so amazing compared to Marrah's. Such a different atmosphere with the nurse's there and I so want to go there again and have an even more positive experience there with a living breathing baby (I hope). I literally tell everyone I know that it was the most positive terrible experience I could ever have hoped for and I want to have my next baby there... but the only high risk doctor that delivers there that anyone likes is the one doctor who won't see me. It makes me so MAD that I'm not allowed to pick my doctor. That I'm forced to go to someone I know nothing about just because another doctor in the practice was my doctor in the past. And that doctor isn't even a "high risk" doctor so he wouldn't see me anyways... really stupid.
I guess I'm just so afraid everyday that this little baby inside of me will leave and that I'll have to mourn the loss of another child. I don't know if I can handle losing another baby, whether it's early or late. Losing Kaelen took all I had to fight back from and it's a struggle everyday to just get out of bed and not totally give up and wallow in my grief. A bereavement counselor I went to see told me that I have to learn to accept that I have no control over it but I just can't wrap that around my brain and give it all up to a higher power to decide...
I guess I just need those rose coloured glasses back... the ones that I had for Kaelen's and Marrah's pregnancies where I thought nothing could ever go wrong and my babies would grow up happy and giggling together with never a care in the world. But they don't come back after something like this and it hurts. It hurts that I can't just plan for this beautiful baby to arrive, buy him or her tons of cute clothes and toys and sit back and relax. I want to do all those things blissfully ignorant again but it will never happen.
I'm trying to cherish every moment of this little baby's life and I talk to them and rub my belly just like I did with my other 2. I pray all day that God just lets me keep this baby, that this baby is happy and healthy like their big sister, that they come out of me and lay on my belly looking at me contentedly with their big blue eyes while I cry tears of joy instead of tears of sadness.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 9 months without totally and utterly losing my mind... Thanks for listening to me blather on and on... I hope all you other babylost mamas get your Rainbow babies soon too and that they all turn out happy and healthy for us.
I love you little man. Please watch over your new baby brother or sister and make sure they come out safe and sound so Mommy can have one or two days of peace inside her heart. I love you. Sending you tons of hugz and kisses.
Love,
P.S. If you're someone I know personally and I haven't told you yet, please don't be mad. It's not you... it's just hard to announce such happy news when you're waiting for the other foot to drop. I've only told a few close friends and most of our family doesn't even know yet... I'm just too scared to tell everyone and then lose this baby too... everyone will know in time... but it will take time for me to get over my inescapable fear...
10 comments:
Congratulations!
xo
Congrats again :)
I think that is a little ridiculous that you can't change Dr's within the same practice.
I hope you are comfortable with whatever decision you come to.
In any scenario always advocate for yourself. If you want to have extra u/s or NST's towards the end, or an early induction, whatever then make it happen.
Praying for your little one to grow and thrive within you for these next months...so happy for you!!!
Congrats! Praying that the other shoe never drops and this little one grows big strong and healthy. Hoping for an uneventful and boring pregnancy! I didn't tell anyone in my IRL till I was 3 1/2 4 months along so I completely understand and hope that your friends do too (I had one that didn't...boo on them)!
Push for the doctor you want, do let them push you around, I know you know, but the stress isn't good so advocate for what you want in this pregnancy! ((hugs))
I pray everything works out for you and your family. We went through this awful tragedy and now we are both pregnant again and come January 2011 we are going to have healthy babies in our arms. Keep the faith.
I hope to see you soon at our support group.
Take Care
^Jaydan^'s Momma
I didn't get my congrats in yet as I was out of town for a bit. Will be thinking of you...much love.
Lareina, I will be thinking of you! I am so excited and so happy for you. But I understand how scary it must be. I'm sorry my congrats are a little late, as I was on vacation-but so happy! I hope your doctor is very supportive and willing to do anything he/she can for you. Make sure you are completely comfortable with whomever it is. You deserve the best care & having someone you don't like would be terrible for you. (((HUGS))) Wishing you the best!! :)
Congratulations on such wonderful news! It is so bittersweet when you see that positive pregnancy test and know for sure that there is another little life growing in there. I try with everything I have to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, but some days it is just so hard. The mind wanders into the forest of 'what ifs' and other unpleasant thoughts and it's so hard to get out sometimes! Do the best you can do and just take one day at a time. The deal with the doctors really stinks...obviously your health care system is a little different than ours, but in the end it's all the same...no one really has ultimate control over their health care. It stinks. Thinking of you and your little rainbow...
Congratulations!
Wow--relate so much to the timing in the loss of your sweet son as well as the due date of your precious new little one--I'm two days behind you.
And I totally relate to the scary---the fear of losing another precious life. Praying this new little one will be born healthy and happy and spend a lifetime with you on this earth!
I just came across your blog. I pray that everything will be ok with this pregnancy. Unless you have been there it's hard to explain the feelings that you have after you have lost a baby. I lost my son on July 18th last year when he was 26 days old. Just before Thanksgiving we found out that we were pregnant again. I know the feeling that you described. Now I'm 11 days away from my c-section. This pregnancy has been different than the others. Every time that I got excited I was afraid that something would happen. I even dreaded my doctors appointments.
I'll continue to remember you in my prayers that come January you'll have a healthy baby to love and hold.
Jamie
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