I'm trying to be excited...

I'm trying to be excited about your new little brother or sister... I really am... I want a living baby so badly but it's so bittersweet with you in heaven... When this little one is born, you would have been 14 months old and it just sucks that you can't be here to poke your little brother or sister and get in trouble for bugging them too much. You would be toddling around, getting into everything, crawling on everything just like your big sister but you're never going to do that, not here on Earth anyways.

It just feels wrong to be happy about a new baby when you should be here. I know you want Mommy to love them just as much as I did you and I do but it's hard because I want you both here and alive with me and I know that this little baby probably wouldn't exist if you were here... You'd still be breastfeeding and Mommy would be counting her lucky stars that AF hadn't returned yet.

You'd be growing like a weed just like all your little living friends and Mommy would be so proud for helping you do that. I was always amazed when I looked at your big sister and how well she was growing just from me feeding her what my body was built to provide. I wish you could grow too, big and strong, just like her...

She asks about you all the time and even though I love that she knows you at least in her own way, I wish she could've known you more - as more than just a picture on my iphone and a bump in my belly. She found a picture of herself as a baby today and asked if it was you... and I wished, oh so wished it was... that just for one moment you were alive and that I could've taken a picture of you for her, with her, together as you should have been.

I love you, little one... please send Mommy sweet dreams of you. I miss you.

Love,