Almost 7 years...

It's been almost 7 years since you were here on this earth with me... I've met so many little babies that have gone to heaven to be with you and every one is ingrained in my mind. On Sunday, I got to meet little Finndley and be with his family while they said goodbye... I ended up knowing his family and it touched me so much more than normal. I'm always honoured but knowing another person I know personally had joined this "club" really hit home and I cried for you and for their little boy...

I feel you watching over me and I know you have been taking good care of Finndley in Heaven since he left his Mama and Daddy and know you will be the best of friends. I imagine the day that I will go to Heaven to see you and get to meet all your friends in person that I met for a short time here on Earth with their families. I pray that they all get to go to Heaven to see you greet them with their lost loved angel baby... That is what I hold onto most of all... That one day I will hold you in my arms again and there will be no more tears or sorrow because you will be with me for eternity.

I love you, baby boy, now and forever.

I'm still here... just no time to blog in a long time... I've started a new blog about everything going on in my life and I'm hoping to keep that more updated... so please feel free to follow me there: http://lareina.ca (ETA: still going but not blogging there much either...)


I love you, little man. Your little brother is getting so big and reminds me so much of you. Everyday that he grows I see you in his eyes and know you are here watching over us and taking care of him. I love you baby... so much... I never forget... Hugs and kisses.

Love,

I still miss you...

Oh Baby... I still miss you so much... My heart just breaks to not have you near... to know that your big sister and little brother will never have you in their lives... I see Declan and I see so much of you... You would've looked so alike... I never ever ever forget you, my sweet little man... I wish I could hold you and snuggle you and do all the things we should've done... I guess I'll just owe you a lifetime of snuggles in heaven... I love you always and forever, Kaelen...

All my love and kisses,

Why 100 year family reunions suck...

-Explaining to a bunch of family when they ask how many kids you have that there are 3 and when they ask where the 3rd is that one precious baby is dead sucks. And since it sucks you avoid talking to people so you don't have to explain... And you spend the whole weekend standing alone talking to yourself instead.

-Every time your daughter isn't in your sight, freaking out and thinking she's drowned in the slough out back and having to search high and low over and over again by yourself cause no one else wonders where she is because they're not as neurotic as her mother.

-Forgetting your antidepressants at home and not being able to take them for 3 days and crying all the way home for the baby that should have been toddling around the reunion this year.

-Not seeing your dead baby's name listed as one of the grandchildren on your Dad's family story.

-Wondering why I out of all the people there was the horribly unlucky one to lose their baby and everyone else got to keep theirs.

-Feeling alone in a crowd full of people...

Yup, all in all, it sucked. I miss my baby.

A Busy Mom Remembering...

I knew when our rainbow baby arrived, there wouldn't be as much time to grieve... I knew it would heal me a bit and help me not feel so lost without you. I still feel lost though when I think of you and like someone once said, it doesn't getting better, you just learn how to live with the pain better...

Both your brother and sister are asleep in the back of the car right now and I'm listening to your music as I always do when I can fight your big sister for the music (aka she's sleeping). I heard Brad Paisley's song "No" and I just think back to waking up that morning at 4am and knowing you were gone and praying to God, begging and pleading that I wasn't right...sitting in that dark bathroom crying my eyes out... The long walk over to the hospital all alone, pleading for my fears to be unjustified...

I see all these other families with their kids and wonder why you and I were chosen to only be a part of each other for 9 months and then apart for the rest of my life. "Why me?" is always running through my mind... I just don't understand and don't think I ever will.

I still ache to hold you just one more time, to memorize your face just once more, to kiss you more than the few times I really did... I'll always regret not kissing you more... I should have but I didn't.

You are always in my thoughts even if I only get time to cry alone in my car... I can't wait for the day I hold you in heaven... Then my arms will truly be full... I love you baby boy...my forever baby. Hugs and kisses from your mama.

Love Always,
Mommy

For Reid's Mommy...

Two little boys
Sit watching their Mommy's cry
Wishing they could be there
Drying our tears.

Two little boys
Who might never have been friends
But for their families pain
And sorrow.

Two little boys
Celebrate
One's silent entrance
Into this world.

Two little boys
Who are eating cake
And catching balloons
Full of love.

Two little boys
Waiting for the day
That their Mommy's are there
To hold them
On their special day,
The day they went to live with the Angels,
Their Angelversary.

When I See You Again...

Love,

Sitting here without you...

16 months without you in my arms and it still hurts like it was yesterday... I've just learned to live with the pain... I look at your little brother in his swing beside me sleeping and I wonder if he really looks as much like you as I think or if I just imagine it because I want it to be you...

I know my sweet little Declan probably wouldn't be here if you were but I still long for you... I would take both of you happily and the sweet insanity a 3 year old, a 14 month old and a newborn would bring. I can't turn back the clock and get you out in time to save you... I wish I could... I wish I never had to experience that feeling of dread when you know your baby has stopped moving and something is wrong...

I ache to hold you on nights like this... I ache to see your little first steps that will never be taken and hear your sweet first words that will never be spoken... at least not here on earth...

I keep myself busy to keep myself from being sad... but you're never gone... only hiding where others can't see you... I can though... always... in every single snowflake that falls, in every sparkle of your big sister and little brother's eyes, in every soft wind through the trees, I see you...

I look forward to the day I meet you in heaven, give you a great big hug and kiss and can see if you really do look like your little brother... I miss you so much little man... More than words could ever say... Sending all my love with my hugs and kisses to heaven, little one...

So much love,

Check out Kaelen's Rainbow for more of our ongoing "saga"... I'll be posting here and there from time to time...

Love you baby boy... Please take care of little Maddie... Her Mommy and Daddy miss her so much. Kisses and hugs. You are always in my thoughts.

All my love,

Our Rainbow is here...

I've been MIA on here for the past 5 weeks... and it's not because I've forgotten... no definitely not... I just didn't know what to post... I've been battling mixed feelings since Declan was born (safe and healthy, thank God). I love him to bits and am so happy he's here but still feel sad and lost because I don't have my Kaelen.

The first Wednesday after Declan arrived, my husband had gone to work, and I was home alone thinking and I posted on facebook that I didn't know I could be blissfully happy and sad at the same time... and that about sums it up. I love Declan to bits and am soooooo relieved that he arrived safe and sound but he looks sooooo much like Kaelen that it's hard to reconcile my grief with my joy...

Anyway, he's here and happy and healthy and growing like a weed and we are doing good... I'll post more later when I can... when my brain isn't as befuddled... I'll leave you with a beautiful picture of my little guy.

I love you baby boy... my sweet Kaelen... I still think of you every day and wish you were all here with me instead of in Heaven... Sending you all my hugs and kisses baby...

Love you always,

The Hospital Bag

Do you know how hard it is to not have a panic attack when you are packing your hospital bag and the last time you did the same thing, it was the night before you found out your son had died inside of you?? It's done... But it definitely wasn't easy and I'm still scared... I just keep praying that this little man arrives alive and screaming... It's all I can do...

I love you, Kaelen... Please watch over your little brother and keep him safe. Mommy so wants to meet him and love him just like I would have you.

Love,

Well, I missed the 11th...

I totally posted yesterday and didn't even notice the date... it was the 11th and I missed it... I know it's kinda silly to feel bad about it but I did and realized it this morning when I woke up since I was thinking today was the 11th and it wasn't...

It's hard because I want to honour my baby boy each time the 11th comes up but really,  I know that I'm not going to get to each month and I know that I think of him all the time and that he knows I'm thinking about him... I guess I had to miss it sometime, sooner or later... just didn't think it would be so soon...

I love you little man... you know that I think about you every minute of every day and wish you were here... so no matter if Mommy totally forgets to post to you on the 11th of every month, you're always here in my heart and never far from my thoughts... I miss you, as always, baby... Lots of hugs and kisses, my sweet little man...

Love,

I won a book!! YAY!

I was soooo sooo sooo hoping I would win a copy of the book "They Were Still Born" that Angie on Still Life with Circles has been telling us about for a few months. I saw it on her blog a while back and was so excited to have a book specifically dealing with stillbirth and how other people have been affected by it. I was planning on buying it as soon as it came out but have waited to order because my dh still isn't working and money is tight right now and then I checked her blog today and there was my name called as the winner of the draw... soo soo happy... I know I'll probably bawl reading all the stories but I can't wait.

Never in a million years did I think I would ever be "excited" to be reading about stillbirth and our little lost babies but it does bring me a sense of peace (just like reading the blogs of other BLMs out there) to know that I'm not alone and it isn't just me that lost my baby. I'd never in a million years want anyone else to deal with this loss but it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my grief.

If you want to check it out, please do... I'm sure it's going to be an excellent book:

Amazon.ca
Chapters.Indigo.ca
Amazon.com
Barnes and Noble
Rowman and Littlefield

Love you little man... Keep watching over your baby brother so Mommy can worry a little less knowing you're there watching over him...Sending you lots of hugs and kisses baby...

Love,

A Winner!

I used the random number generator at random.org and here is the result:

So the winner is... Melissa at Amazing Mikayla Grace! Congratulations to Melissa and thanks to everyone for entering. I've sent a message to your email and look forward to hearing from you!

If you do have a photo to be edited and didn't win my draw, please send me an e-mail at kkreations at shaw dot ca with the subject line: Picture Editing. I'm hoping to be able to offer this service, free of charge, on a regular basis for other baby loss mama's later in the new year and will contact you once I am up and running and able to offer you this for your sweet little ones.

Thanks so much to everyone for visiting and I look forward to getting to know you all better over the coming months. Hugz!

Hugz for you too baby boy... always lots of hugz!

Love,

My Giveaway!

NOTE: Posts below this one (this post is safe) may contain mention of rainbow babies, living children and subsequent pregnancies. I just wanted to warn you so those of you that aren't ready to read about them yet don't get caught unawares.

Being a fellow BLM, you all know what it's like to not be able to sleep (or at least I'm guessing) and so here I am at 5:41 AM MST posting my giveaway for today. It is so cold in my house that I really should have put on my robe but I'm sitting here anyways... all to bring this EXCITING giveaway to you (lol - sorry, I'm kinda silly when I should be sleeping)!! My draw will be open until at least 5:41 AM tomorrow morning (but probably longer since I don't usually wake up till 8 or so if I can help it) to leave time for all those baby loss mamas from other time zones to get in on the draw. So here it is!

I'm offering one of my beautiful crocheted items from my online store: Kardova's Kreations. Feel free to choose whatever you would like from something listed there or if you'd like a scarf, mitts, prayer shawl or even slippers, I can do those too. Basically if you can dream it (and find a pattern for it that's not too advanced! LOL) I'm willing to give it a go at making it. The only thing I can't do for you probably is something big, like an afghan... Well, I could do it... but it'd take me until 2015 to finish it so you'd have to be REALLY, REALLY patient.

In addition to this exciting crochet giveaway (yes, I have to somehow try to make crocheted items exciting... it's not just for Grandma you know...), if you are a baby loss mama that wasn't able to have a professional NILMDTS photographer take pictures of your sweet little one and have an image that you would like professionally edited, I'm willing to edit one for you. I'm not a master at it but do a decent job and I know it's sometimes hard when you don't have pictures you can show your family and friends for fear of them not seeing the beautiful baby you see. I was lucky to have a photographer to take pictures of my sweet little man but I know so many of us baby loss mama's don't even know about NILMDTS and don't get that opportunity.

So please enter my giveaway and we'll see you all tomorrow for the draw. Hugs to everyone and kisses to my little man, Kaelen, in heaven. Mommy loves you, baby!

Love,

25 Days of Giveaways!

I feel so privileged this year to be a part of the 25 Days of Giveaways at Living Without Sophia and Ellie (I get day 3 - yippee!!). I was ensconced in the giveaways last year getting to know all the other baby loss mamas and they have helped me so much over the past year, hearing of their journey and knowing I wasn't alone so I just HAD to be a part of it this year. Please go on over and take a look and enter the draws. We BLMs deserve something to be excited about this time of year. Hugz!!

Dealing...

It's been awhile since I posted last... my mind is cluttered right now with anxiety and busyness and all that "good stuff"... My sister-in-law had a miscarriage today and I'm hurting for her... It's different but I'm hurting for her and my brother-in-law all the same... They hadn't told anyone yet (they just got into the 2nd trimester a little bit ago) and were so happy to be expecting and then BOOM! it was stolen away from them... I really will never understand why we have to lose our babies... it just doesn't make sense... you get to a certain point where you think you are safe and someone rips the rug out from underneath you and says "Too bad so sad." I just don't get it... I try to think there's some master plan but really it's hard to believe sometimes. If you have a moment, please say a prayer for them and for their little baby up in Heaven. I know Kaelen and all his great-grandparents welcomed the baby with open arms and is keeping the baby safe for them until they can see them again.

I have slowly been weaning myself off my antidepressants because they have a "chance" of causing breathing problems when the baby is born and I just don't want to take that chance but boy is it hard... I'm also ADHD and not being on them, causes my brain to go all loopy and I totally overextend myself every which way from Sunday because I suddenly think I'm superwoman and can go all day and all night with no rest, even though the exact opposite is true. I do everything and am really busy all day but because of the ADHD I really get nothing done... it's all stops and starts and small fits of inspiration. Even in church today, I couldn't even concentrate on what the pastor was saying and it was soooooo hard knowing that if I was just on my Effexor it would make me "normal" again.

I almost think that now being on it is more about the ADHD than the depression... coming off of it, I've been doing pretty good... when I was down to minimal doses in the first trimester, I was a sobbing mess and spent a lot of everyday feeling sad, despondent and crying whereas now, I still have my moments but every song of Kaelen's on my iPod playlist doesn't always make me cry so that's a start. I just feel so out of sorts not being able to focus... even this post is all over the place... I know it's for the good of the baby but this last month and a bit of waiting and not being "drugged" is going to be torture because I'm waaaaay more irritable and can't seem to get anything done (and that drives me nuts too) even though I've always got more than a normal person can do on my plate. I've noticed I like to overbook myself when I'm not on my medication and it wears me out mentally and physically and that's not a good thing.

I did call my dh's Employee Assistance Program though and have gotten in a booking to see a counsellor so hopefully that will help me deal with all my crazy emotions in the interim. I haven't had too many panicked moments as of yet when the baby has been quiet for too long but they are getting more and more frequent as the days go on and he's still not here yet... Hopefully the lady I will see will be decent and not brush off my fears and worries and all that... I go on Friday for the first time so we will see...

Night night baby boy... I hope you are taking good care of your little cousin up there and helping them to watch over their Mommy and Daddy in their time of sorrow. We still miss you and wish you were here every single day. I can't wait for the day when I see you again, little one... Love you so much and wish you were here to hug and kiss but I'm sending them to you in Heaven instead. Sweet dreams.

Love,

Your 1st birthday here on Earth...

Hi little man... We celebrated your birthday here on Earth today... I know it can't compare to what it was like for you today in Heaven since that's gotta be the best birthday we could ever imagine but we celebrated all the same. So many people were thinking of you today and sending their thoughts and love to Heaven for you. I'm sure you could feel it surrounding you and it made your day even that much more wonderful.

Mommy missed you so much today. Knowing you should have been here with us, eating your first piece of cake and getting all covered in it. Your big sister had an extra piece of cake just for you and Mommy didn't think twice about giving it to her. She still doesn't understand that you're gone since she thinks you're still in my tummy but someday she'll know and be glad we included her in all the beautiful things we do for you. She loves you so much and always will, just like Daddy and Mommy. Sweet dreams in Heaven little one... I know there are no others for you but the beautiful ones. I love you and miss you and wish you were here.

Love,