I was going to go see her and the baby on Tuesday in the hospital and got up the guts to get everything ready and go and overcome my fear of "the newborn" and then, when I called to tell them I was coming (and already in town) they were too tired to have me visit and I felt so let down... I know it's not her fault and I remember how tired I was the day after my baby boy was born and I didn't have a crying baby to keep me up...
I just feel really let down... not by her specifically, but by people in general... almost everyone assumes I'm doing okay and just goes about their business... not many people really ask anymore if I'm okay... hardly anyone talks about him and it really sucks... My family doesn't call and check in on me... once January hit, they all dropped off the face of the earth... and so I sit here alone with my daughter everyday and keep on surviving. Only 1 person I know remembers his anniversary day and tells me each month on his "birthdays" that she's thinking of me. Even my husband doesn't really notice when another month passes, it seems.
And I guess hearing her on the phone tonight, when she had to go because the baby was crying, made me realize that another friend has gotten on with her life and I'm here waiting and grieving still. It just sucks because it's another friend I don't feel I can call when I'm having a hard day because they are busy with their life and don't have time to listen to me cry. And it's not that they wouldn't listen... it's just that I feel like I shouldn't bother them with my tears.
I guess I put on a happy face well, maybe that's the problem... I make myself "look" like a perfectly sane functioning member of society most days... but I usually don't feel like it... not really... Should I just go back to wearing my heart on my sleeve so everyone can see?? I don't think that's the answer either. I just wish people would realize that this grief won't go away, it won't leave at a set time and make me all better. I will ALWAYS miss my little boy. I will ALWAYS wish I could be holding him and seeing him grow. Some days I function, but some days I'm a mess and I still need someone on those days to hold me up... and right now it's Marrah... and she shouldn't have to hold me up... that's not her job... Her job is to be a kid and be happy... but instead she's my constant friend...
I guess I just wish there was one, just one, of my friends who wasn't busy with babies... I would call my friend Cara but she's dealing with her own fresh grief over the loss of her beautiful little boy and doesn't need mine to burden her as well... I need to find one friend who hasn't just had a new baby in the last year or is about the have one... I need to find someone that doesn't make me feel left behind... but how do you go looking for someone that's as lonely as you are when everyone you know is having babies... I just don't know...
I miss you baby... so much... so much it hurts. I hear a baby cry and I wish it was you crying for me. I would deal with years of colic just to have you back in my arms and alive. I wish someone would have noticed you were having trouble inside of me before we lost you... there were so many signs now that we look back... but none of them were caught and now, you're gone... I love you, little man... Give little Reid a kiss from his mama and ask him to give you one from me. Night night.
Love,
8 comments:
I know were newish friends, brought together in loss....I get it and have very similar thoughts and feelings. I think of you frequently and of course keep up with the blog but I always think of you and your sweet little man on the 11th of every month.
That is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry it's so hard and confusing. Traversing this life now, with this grief, is a whole new learning curve. Wishing I could pop over and have a chat. Thinking of you today.
I am sorry you are feeling so alone, but truth is you are not. If youever need to tlk, I will listen. klarsen17@yahoo.com.
Lots of love,
Katy xxx
Oh Lareina, this post hit home for me. We had our babies within days of each other, so we're on a similar timeline. I can understand all too well about feeling as if everyone else has moved on with their lives. Nobody calls, nobody checks in, nobody seems to care. I wish I lived closer to you so I could be that one friend you need. :) Well, you've got us bloggers. I'm sorry about everything. My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry you weren't able to see your friend's baby after finally getting up the guts to go, only to be shot down later. Sending you huge hugs!!!
Lareina,
We are thousands of kilometers away from each other, but I share 100% the way you feel. Here is the same, for everyone Ines' death is not news anymore and it seems that everyone has accepted it pretty well. But I still feel devastated. I sometimes wake up and review what happened the day she died and it feels to me like fresh news. I still cry and cry and it seems that I will never be out of tears. Thinking of you and your little man.
Oh hon, this weariness sounds painfully familiar. I don't think people really know what to do after the first few months - they assume because you seem to function okay that things are all fine again.
Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you and your beautiful Kaelen. xxxh
You CAN call me, I don't mind having someone to cry with. It's terrible that the shell you had to develop in order to just be around other people without breaking down constantly has now fooled them into thinking that everything is "okay" now.
C
I think that so many of us can relate to this loneliness. I just sucks, but I think that it's part of that new normal. There are a very small handful of folks that 'check' on us periodically. Some of them are people that we see or talk to on a very regular basis, but periodically they will just ask how we are. It's nice to know that they are still thinking about us while the rest of the world has moved on or perhaps more or less forgotten. Please feel free to drop a line any time..... sand0113 at gmail dot com.
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