I just don't know how to break out of this slump... I upped my Effexor this morning to 75mg from the 37.5 I was taking so hopefully that will help... I don't want to be taking anything if I ever do get pregnant but I really don't think that will be possible so I'll have to live with the fear of causing birth defects in my unborn child just so I won't be sad and depressed for 9 months straight... oh and the fear that it will cause them to have breathing problems if and when they finally do arrive... the fear that whatever birth defect they get from it will kill them and I'll never get to meet them, just like I never got to meet my Kaelen... I had a hard enough time being off of them when I had Marrah and Kaelen inside of me and now, I don't know if I can do it at all...
I just feel so hopeless... I have my beautiful baby girl but she sits and watches Dora all day because I can't get up and do anything some days... I feel like a schmuck for letting her do it but some days I just can't function besides feeding and clothing her and letting her sit...
I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant... like I was never meant to have children and Marrah was just a fluke... I tried for 5+ years before Marrah came along and then Kaelen came along so easily and I was so surprised and now he's gone and I can't get pregnant again... I worry every single minute of every day that Marrah is going to be next... that something I do will cause her to die and leave me here alone... I really don't think I could survive it... I wanted to join Kaelen so many times after he left us... I didn't want to kill myself but I wanted to be with him if you know what I mean... and if Marrah died, there would be nothing holding me here... nothing...
Please pray for me to start feeling happier... I don't need to be sad all the time and it's eating at my heart feeling this way... I need to get better but I don't know how...
I love you baby boy... so so much... I wish you never had to leave us... Mommy could really use some snuggles with her baby boy right now...
Love,
3 comments:
Hugs and prayers sweetie. Some days I could write a very similar post. You are not alone.
Things will never go back to the way they were before Kaelen passed.
Us baby loss moms must learn to live and cope in our new realities....but that doesn't mean forgetting out little ones.
Lots of hugs and hoping you feel a little happier and a little more hopeful in days to come. I think I wrote a similar post to this one today! *sigh* Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
Hi Lareina. I have been more or less gone from blogland for a month or so, now I am doing some catching up. I am sorry that you have been slumping lately. It is so easy to fall into and stay in these funks. It's so frustrating, because other people just don't get it. It's frustrating because there are so many things that should be done...and yet the spirit is just not willing. I know that I have a few more recent posts to read, but I hope at this point you are feeling a little better....Hugs!
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