The last few days have been very hard... I spent most of yesterday in bed... I was supposed to go down to my Dad's for Christmas Dinner and I gave up. Mike and I had fought the night before and he wasn't coming with me, Marrah was being a bear and grumpy as heck when I was trying to get her ready to go and I just gave up. I went to our room, shut the door and laid down in bed and slept... slept the entire day away. I woke up to put Marrah down for bed and that was it. She came in to console me and tried to get me to come out with her cute "Come out Mama" call but I just couldn't. My sister phoned and I didn't want to talk... so she got our Mom to phone... and who can say no to Mom when you're feeling down... Thank goodness for Mom... talking to her didn't fix me but it helped me get the feelings out.
My dh was still grumpy and thought I was hiding in our room because I was mad at him... we finally talked after Marrah went to bed and I told him about the guilt I feel for our son Kaelen hearing us fighting all the time. I remember the Saturday before he passed away, we were having a fight and I told Mike that I wasn't sure I wanted Kaelen... I know I wanted him but I was so distraught with feelings and being overwhelmed that I said it... and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't forgive myself for saying it... I know Kaelen heard me... he may not have understood but he still heard me say it. Mike doesn't remember it but I do and won't ever forget it... I know that's not why God took him from me but I feel like if I would have just appreciated Kaelen a little more, maybe he would still be here...
It's hard dealing with all these regrets after the fact... if I would have done this, or that, or something else, would he still be here?? I'll never know and I'll never be able to go back in time and fix what happened... and it sucks... My mom reassured me that he didn't understand and he knew that I loved him but it's hard to know that in my heart when he's not here to prove it to everyday... I just hope and pray that I get to meet him in heaven and can tell him properly what he meant to me...
I found this quote on someone's signature on a board I'm on and it gave me a little solace in my grief: Mommy held you every moment of your life. No matter what I said or did or how I felt, I held my little man every moment of his life and cared for him as best as I could even if I couldn't save him... I have to make myself remember that on the bad days...
I love you Kaelen and miss you every moment of every day and so does your sister and your Daddy. Your sister talks about you in Heaven with God everyday and we send kisses to you on your picture all the time. Watch over us sweet angel and wait for us. Love, Mommy.
3 comments:
He knows you didn't mean it. I believe with all my heart that he knows how much you loved him and love him still. Go easy on yourself mama, you couldn't have known or prevented what happened and I'm sure that Kaelen felt love every minute he was in your womb. We all say things in the heat of the moment, and what you said had more to do with the fight with hubby than about your beautiful son. Sending you love
You sent him love with every beat of your heart and every pickle you ate. He knew Sweetheart. He still knows. You are a wonderful mama and marrah and kaelen are very lucky to have you for their mommy. I've seen you in action. Your love for them is a thing of wonderment.
xxoo
Lareina,
Chase was born 2 days after Easter and my husband and I had a huge fight Easter day. We never "really" made up but we definitely got over it when we had the tragedy to deal with. In fact, we had several fights during my pregnancy--it was a very rough year for us financially. After losing Chase I felt like he really had a lot to do with me getting through those tough times. We don't fight a lot but we don't necessarily hide our fights from the kids so I wasn't worried about that. Instead I really looked back at that rough time we were going through and was so indebted to Chase for being with me and helping me get through it. I didn't know the baby was a boy at the tiem but I talked to my tummy so much and cried and held my tummy and know that he was so important to me duriing all that. I am telling you this because I hope you feel a little bit the same way. Kaelen was part of you and he was there for you those nine months just like you were there for him. You were bonded like only a mother and hcild can bond. I am so sorry you don't have him here with you. I hope you know that you are not alone, though. Your fears, your regrets, your sadness--is shared by many, me included.
sending you hugs...
christy
Post a Comment