Things I want to forget but never will...

• waking up at 4am on November 11th and realizing I hadn't felt you move the night before when I went to bed...
• poking you and poking you, waiting for you to kick me back... praying to God that you were okay... begging him to not do this to me...
• walking over to the hospital crying...
  
• the sound of static on the doppler where your heartbeat should have been...
• the cry that escaped my lips when I knew you were gone...
• calling your Daddy to tell him you were gone...
  
• the way your Daddy held me and we both cried when he came to the hospital...
• the quiet drive all the way to the hospital where we would deliver you... knowing we would come back with empty arms...
• hoping that you would by some miracle be alive when you were born even though no one could find a heartbeat...
• giving birth to my beautiful baby boy who had already gone to heaven...
  
• kissing you and leaving you in the bassinet in the hospital room all wrapped up the night you were born... the hardest thing I will ever have to do...
  
• sitting in bed every night since then wishing this was just a dream and that I would wake up and you'd be here...
• crying for you and wishing this wasn't my life...