Well, I signed up for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep today... I don't know if I'll qualify but I had to try... I need to do something to leave my son a legacy and if that's taking pictures for other people who have lost their beautiful babies, so be it. I've been working on learning on how to knit or crochet so I can make them a hat or a blankie if I can to take with me but that will take a while before I get good enough at it and this is something more immediate that I can do. I've been contemplating it ever since my wonderful friend, mentor and photographer came to do pictures of our sweet baby for us and I finally got up the guts to fill out the application.
I know the hardest thing for me when Kaelen was born was being in a room full of people that had never been through what I was going through. Everyone was totally and completely there for me but they had never felt my pain. Even my husband, who was mourning the loss of our son along with me, was feeling a different kind of pain. Everyone had beautiful words for me but no one knew.
I was the one who had felt our son move and kick everyday. Kaelen heard my voice everyday of his life. He heard me singing and playing with his big sister. He ate what I ate and heard what I heard. He was a real living piece of me for 9 months and having him ripped from me so suddenly was the most heart wrenching thing I will ever experience. The crying and pain I went through in that room while we waited for Kaelen to arrive, as I was giving birth to him and after when we held our beautiful ever sleeping angel is unimaginable to most people. Most people don't lose their children before they ever get to meet them... I was the 1 in 100 that did.
I want to be there for them as they go through this horrible unimaginable pain. I want them to know that life does go on and tell them about the 'new normal' that comes about. I want them to know that I'm not just a photographer coming in to take pictures, I'm a mother who lost her baby and is there to help them in their time of grief. I know I'm probably going to bawl each and every time I go to take pictures of their little angels, grieving for my son... I don't know if I'll even be ready anytime soon to do it... but I had to sign up and get through that barrier of fear that was holding me back.
3 comments:
Props to you for doing this. The parent coordinator for our area has resigned, and DH and I have been giving it some thought. It is a tough step. Your photography is beautiful - I hope that they take you on as part of the team! There is such a huge difference between being in a room full of empathy and a room full of sympathy - I think that loss mamas can only add to the NILMDTS program. Hugs...
I think you would be a great advocate for taking those pictures. You are very strong and if it's something you feel necessary, you will be great at it. Because you know.
I am so sorry for the pain you went through during birth. I don't like to think about it, but I had a horrible experience, too.
Lareina - I wasn't sure what compelled me to sign up, if it was my own miscarriage or something else. I didn't know it at the time, but it's crystal clear now why I did. I needed to be ready for you.
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